Hillarious "How to..." guides

I found this new site called Cracked.com which is kinda like a MAD magazine ripoff, and I found a few "How to" guides that were really funny:

How To Write a Bestseller - which is a crack at people who write books to "dimistify" the DaVinci Code. My favorite is how it defines
"book: To record charges against (a person) on a police blotter, e.g. Take him downtown and book him"
"fiction: Fiction is a Latin word meaning “stuff that never happened.” and
"non-ficiton: A Latin word meaning, literally, Not stuff that never happened". While you are there check also the comic they posted: DaVinci Conundrum.

Graduation Special: How to Ace Your First Job Interview - Do not follow any tips that they mention here... My favourite is:
In your CV: Here are a few qualities to mention:
- Can kill a chicken dead with only one hand
- Proficient in SEGA
- Hardly wets the bed at all anymore
- Recently threw away pretty much all of my pornography collection
- Have successfully kissed the tip of my own penis/vagina
- Likes to watch you sleep

Some Helpful Suggestions For My Boss - I'm doing a Management course part-time and I have to show this to my teacher. My Favourite part is:
MY CHALLENGE:
I find it difficult to get sufficiently hard when masturbating in the staff bathroom to pictures of CEO Brad Newford's wife.
ADVISED SOLUTION:
Perhaps Brad could leave more attractive pictures of his wife on his desk for the purposes of short-term bathroom reallocation. Tight-fitting and revealing clothes are key; losing weight essential.